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Issue: Vol. 1, No. 5 |
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Date: June 1, 2007 |
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In this Issue
> Feature Article:
Caring vs Caution: Navigating Transition in Relationships
> Programs:
Andrea's Birthday Present
> Fearless Quote:
A Gift From the Sea |
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A Note from Andrea
Cleaning Out
Several of you have asked about our yard sale… sigh. Living deep in the woods has more advantages than not, but it’s less helpful when you actually do want people to visit. Seven cars and seven dollars. Our big “haul” paid for morning coffee and muffins for us, and two lottery tickets!
Oh well. I’m still in clearing out mode. See below about how to take advantage of my half-price sale.
This week I want to talk about estrangement. Big word meaning not being connected the way you would like to someone or something important to you.
Recently, I was in a group discussion with some coaching colleagues and we were talking about how we were each “finding our way back” to someone or something in our lives.
Clues and suggestions flew, as well as heartfelt anticipation about what might be possible.
Teleconferences, Workshops, and
Programs
On June 5, 2007 I turn 46. How did that happen?
Anyway, it becomes more difficult each year to think of things I want as a present. You know, who needs more stuff?
So, this year, I’m turning the tables and giving a gift to you instead.
Half price on everything I offer on June 5 only.
That’s one-on-one coaching purchased as “get started,” one-month, quarterly, or annual packages; the Fearless, Fabulous Project (12-week program starts in early July); and Passion Project Master Mind or My Life Mosaic memberships (enjoy 50% off for length of continuing membership).
This may sound crazy to give away half my fee, but I’ll get so much back in terms of interesting partners for coaching and getting things done. It’s always exciting to watch others pump up the satisfaction in their lives and succeed on their own terms.
So mark your calendars, as this offer won’t be good the day before or the day after… use this Andrea’s Birthday Present link on June 5, 2007 ONLY!
Note: Your discount will be automatically calculated for you upon check-out.
Feature
Caring vs Caution: Navigating Transition in Relationships
I think it’s true for all of us, that sometimes we find ourselves involved in relationships that just don’t click the way we might like or the way we are used to.
What do you do when someone doesn’t respond to you in the way you’ve come to expect? What if your feelings have changed, and the other person doesn’t seem to notice? How do you know when and how to pull back, and when or how to move forward?
Sometimes it’s easy to pinpoint a moment or event when things went awry; other times, it’s a complete mystery why the other half of the relationship has gone missing or altered in an unpleasant way.
In other situations, you may have an inkling but there is no mechanism for checking in with the other person to know for sure. Frustrating.
 Caution as Means of Protection
This past winter, I felt this in action with my husband. We’d been struggling with how to communicate with one another more effectively. Too often, our conversations would escalate in intensity, blinding us to productive ways of resolving the topics at hand.
After this happened a number of times, we conditioned ourselves to be “cautious” with one another to avoid getting into conflict. The space was important in order to avoid making things worse.
Can you think of situations when you’ve figuratively “backed away” from someone? Rather than get burned or feel bad, you’ve simply distanced yourself? Good.
I write this, because it is very important to honor the signs offered by your body and your mind. When the hair goes up on the back of your neck, your heart begins to beat fast or your emotions are so strong you can’t see straight, it’s time to exert caution. I don’t mean this in a melodramatic sense; in fact, I offer this as solace so you can avoid the melodramatic. If the atmosphere you share with someone becomes moody and charged, it’s important and okay to walk away for a bit.
Caring As a Way Back
Relationships are ever-changing. An uncomfortable pause or gap will change in time, and most likely for the better if you can remain engaged.
Recently, we’ve been involved in a family crisis involving one of our relatives. This has impacted us and our relationship deeply, and in surprising ways. The immediate situation has provided a new cause for caution related to the family member’s situation, but suddenly I feel a fuller capacity for caring between us.
What is happening is outside of our usual dynamic, but it has inadvertently provided a healthy pause. We were never in danger of drifting apart, but the crisis and reminder of how off things could be kicked us into highly attuned, partnership gear. Despite the stress and worry, we’ve been more sensitive to each other’s state of mind. And there is no question about the depth of our caring and concern for one another and that we will bridge any distance to address our distractions.
It’s important to recognize the current signs of caring in a relationship, even if it’s under strain. If you can extend your own capacity for caring and hold steady until the other party can meet you halfway, the need for caution can sometimes fall away. A semblance of familiarity and emotional balance can be restored. If you are actively expressing care—without need or expectation of something in return—the relationship will be calmer, and your partner in it may move closer on their own.
Being Present to How You Feel
It can be a delicate dance between caution and caring, and your ability to gauge where you should be on the spectrum can be confusing as well as change from day to day or month to month.
But it's crucial to find a way to calm the emotions that drive your viceral responses, in order to slow down and to be present with how you genuinely feel. Journal, walk, talk to yourself, or indulge a healthy distraction to get to a place of peaceful consideration.
Carefully review what is happening in your relationship, tap into the why of it if you can, and weigh the positives and negatives of trying to affect a change. And do honor what feels true, whether it’s to move away for a bit with some aspect of caution or to move closer in the spirit of caring.
It may be just as well that we can’t snap our fingers and make people react to us the way we’d like. There may be issues involved about which we have no knowledge, a period of healing that must play out for both parties, or simply a shift that must be recognized and respected. Time will tell.
© 2007 Andrea R. Williams
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Andrea Williams, personal and small business success coach, is the creator of the Fearless, Fabulous Project, a 12-week, step-by-step discovery and rejuvenation process to help you gain clarity and commitment about what is most important to you. If you're ready to pump your life with more fun & fulfillment, check out Andrea's coaching programs and FREE resources now at www.FearlessFabulousLife.com, and sign up for “Fearless, Fabulous Female,” her free ezine on personal reinvention at midlife.
Fearless Quote
My very dear friend, Marilyse, sent me this quote from Anne Morrow Lindberg’s “A Gift From the Sea,” soon after I separated from my first hsuband. It was a “gift” in and of itself, and I wanted to be sure to remember its message. So, I’ve kept my printout in a tickler file that I review every two months. Over the years, it’s been interesting to see how and in relation to whom this collected excerpt applies.
“The “veritable life” of our emotions and our relationships also is intermittent. When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity — in freedom, in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits — islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continually visited and abandoned by the tides. One must accept the security of the winged life, of ebb, and flow, of intermittency.”
Combined excerpts from “A Gift From the Sea” by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
About Andrea
Personal and small business development coach Andrea Williams is creator of the Fearless, Fabulous Project, a 12-week, step-by-step discovery and rejuvenation process.
Coaching female boomers, creatives and entre/solopreneurs, Andrea reaches core issues quickly, promotes others’ inspirations/aspirations, and provides unswerving support for life improvement… today!
Andrea also offers teleclasses, workshops, and other resources to help individuals and groups achieve greater self-awareness, success, and satisfaction. Learn more now at www.FearlessFabulousLife.com.
Nuts & Bolts
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